It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
