dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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