Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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