Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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