i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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