god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
