AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
