Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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