If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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