I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
