sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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