for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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