Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize