life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
