So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
