ya dads aren't the best wingmen
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Pants are for mortals
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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