I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
