The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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