so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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