So drunk its hurt
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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