Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
