I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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