Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize