You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
