those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
