well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
