I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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