why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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