I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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