I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
