You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize