my sisters under your porch take her home
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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