**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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