u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
