your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i permit you to call me
Sponge bath it is.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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