I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
