Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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