I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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