Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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