So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
