he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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