My nipple is on Facebook.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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