Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
