it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
