That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
