Yo dont text me then not text me
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
