oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
