video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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