please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
