I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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