my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
