ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
