You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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