Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
