He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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