Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
