I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
