So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
