hotel room ftw
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
